Q: Ok, so me and my boyfriend were wondering if “going to 2nd and 3rd base” is wrong. I know we should abstain from sex, which we are, but I’m confused on what is right and wrong. We know that things should stop if we think it’s leading towards sex and that’s happened before. We’ve stopped before that but we don’t know if “messing around” is wrong or not. We don’t just do these things just because it makes us “feel” good or we like doing them but we really care about each other. We’re not doing it just to do it, but because we actually are sharing something with one another. It goes way beyond that, it’s much more of a personal connection. We haven’t had sex and we’ve agreed not to. We know that it’s wrong and that it’s not going to happen. We just want to know if “messing around” is necessarily wrong if we KNOW for a fact that we wont let it lead to sex, it just won’t happen.

A: What is the point if you aren’t going to have sex? I know you are looking for more than the answers you are finding, since this question has been addressed a few other times, so I am going to speak from personal experience as I have struggled with the same question in my relationships. If you ask yourself deep down “Does this glorify God?” you cannot confidently answer with a “yes”. All foreplay (2nd, 3rd base) was made to lead to sex. It is the progression of how it works, you know that, and I know that. If you keep pushing the line you are both going to be frustrated because you cannot have sex….and there is nothing left to do. The fact that you are abstaining from sex will become a focal point in your relationship. When you share physically intimate moments with someone, you crave more of them, and then it begins to be all that you crave. You can name all of the physical experiences you enjoy with your boyfriend. It becomes one of the main reasons you want to spend time with him. It is mysterious, and fun, exciting, “a personal connection”, and you feel like you are “sharing and building love”. I have been here, and I know. If you really love each other, I would highly, highly suggest not letting yourself get too physically involved. Every step you take down that path is leading YOUR heart more into being committed to this guy, wanting him to be committed to you, wanting him to love you more, and expecting more out of him. I can guarantee you that the excitement and anticipation of sharing the physical things together will begin to wear off and you will be sitting there wondering why and what happened because so much of your relating to each other was based on it. Take it from a sister who has gone before you many times, and just try to not go there and not get your heart entangled in such a mess.

Probably the biggest things is to think big. What is your main goal? If you want to marry this guy someday, what can you do now that would help you to have a wonderful marriage? If you don’t think you want to marry him, then why are you dating him in the first place? Think way long term.

Our mothers and grandmothers actually do know something, despite our thinking they are ancient. What if our generation demanded more respect as women, we were more reserved and not so quick to get so physically involved and give our hearts away? What if we waited until we were married to get so emotionally, physically and spiritually connected with a guy? Do you think we would have a much higher chance at having a good marriage like the generations that have gone before us? The future is not looking bright for healthy marriages. I can’t help but wonder, is it because we as women have enabled men to have whatever they want, whenever they want it? Maybe we don’t respect ourselves enough, ask enough. Maybe we have taken up thinking like eve and saying, “God, I think you are holding out on me. I want to eat that fruit to see what more there is because I don’t trust you.”

Dear Jessica,

This is the most difficult letter I’ve ever had to write. I considered keeping my secret, not wanting to tell you, my little sister, what I’ve done. Then I realized how much I love you and how important it is to keep you from making the same mistake I did. Ever since you were a baby, my first instinct has been to protect you — and so, I send you this letter.

You’ve heard the old saying, “Ignorance is bliss”? Well, I’m here to tell you it ain’t so! What is so is the verse “Be sure your sins will find you out” (Numbers 32:23). That’s right on target.

I guess by growing up in a Christian family and going to a Christian school, we were spared the crash course on certain facts of life. Oh, Mom warned us not to let guys touch us in what she termed “private areas,” but when she’d leave the room we’d laugh at her ideas, never really understanding the importance of her words. I sure wish I’d listened to her, because last semester I made a discovery that has changed my life. I learned that you don’t have to lose your virginity to contract a sexually transmitted infections (STI). Surprised? Yeah, I was too.

I can hardly believe it, Jessica, but I have genital herpes. If I, a 23-year-old pre-med student, was unaware that there was danger in fooling around with a guy, what about my 15-year-old sister? I never want something like this to happen to you, Jessica. It’s worse than you can possibly imagine.

You’re probably frowning about now, wondering what gives. After all, I’m still a virgin.

You remember Brad, the guy I was dating last year? We went to church together, we prayed together, but . . . we also fooled around together. I will regret those actions for the rest of my life. Oh, we never actually had sexual intercourse. I was in junior high when I made a commitment to remain a virgin until marriage, so what did we have to fear, right? Wrong! I thought I could play around the edge of passion’s fire and not get burned. I thought I was safe.

My rude awakening came in front of a doctor I visited for what I thought was a really bad urinary tract infection. When he calmly informed me I had herpes, I went ballistic! That poor doctor looked almost as freaked as I was.

I knew Brad had slept with a couple of girlfriends before he was saved, but he’d had a blood test earlier that year to check for stuff like AIDS and hepatitis. He thought he was clean. On top of that, he’d never had a single symptom of herpes, and he still hasn’t! Ironic, isn’t it? He gives me a disease he got while sleeping around, while I, still technically a virgin, suffer like crazy. It’s not even close to being fair!

Now here I am, stuck with an incurable STI that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Oh, it’s not fatal and I won’t die from it, but it’s still there and always will be, ready to show up in painful genital sores during times of stress or sickness.

As if that’s not enough, I now have to confess to those I love about my shameful actions and the contagious virus I carry in my body. Jessie, I just don’t know if I can bring myself to tell Mom and Dad. I know they will be so disappointed in me. It’s bad enough confessing to you (although I couldn’t do it face-to- face), but Mom and Dad?

Then I think of the future and the man I’ll someday want to marry. I realize that before we get too serious I’ll have to tell him about the herpes. Even now I shudder and cringe at the thought of that moment. Will he still want me, knowing he will not only share my life, but also my herpes? Or will the man of my dreams suddenly view me through different eyes and turn away? I can’t bear to think about it.

Well, I’ve done what I set out to do: cry out a warning to the dearest person in the world to me. I’m so ashamed I could crawl into a hole, but there’s no way I can let my shame and embarrassment stop me from begging you to commit to true sexual purity. This doesn’t simply mean virginity, but a pure lifestyle. Avoid skin-to-skin or oral sexual conduct like the plague, Jessie, because that’s exactly what it adds up to — a plague.

Stay pure, little sister. Share my love, not my regrets.

All my love,
Jenna

Some Startling Facts About Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)
Myth 1: Virgins don’t get sexually transmitted diseases.

Fact: You don’t have to “go all the way” sexually to contract an STI. The soft, moist skin in the mouth and genital areas are perfect breeding grounds for many dangerous viruses. Skin-to-skin contact in those areas is all that’s necessary to pass the virus from person to person.

Myth 2: A person will know if he or she has an STD.

Fact: Up to 60 percent of herpes carriers are unaware they are infected. Men are much more likely to be symptom-free than women. Other STIs that sometimes show no signs of their presence include gonorrhea, chlamydia, hepatitis and genital warts (HPV). Whether you see them or not, they are just as contagious and just as dangerous to your health.

Myth 3: STDs are not common.

Fact: Here are the figures for a few of the most common STIs in the United States. An estimated one out of every five people over age 12 has genital herpes; an estimated 24 million people are infected with genital warts (HPV); over four million people get chlamydia every year.

Myth 4: Nice girls don’t get STIs.

Fact: Viruses don’t recognize nice from naughty. You can be the nicest girl in your Sunday school class, but if you fool around sexually with your boyfriend you open the door for deadly viruses to invade your body. The only sure protection against STIs is to avoid any form of close sexual intimacy.

What’s the Big Deal With Herpes?
The virus called herpes simplex comes in two forms. One generally causes fever blisters on the mouth (usually HSV-1) and similar symptoms in the genital area (usually HSV-2). Once the virus invades the body, it takes up permanent residence. Sometimes it “sleeps” in body cells and causes no trouble. Other times it “awakens,” activated by stress, sickness, your monthly period or even a sunburn. While medication helps, genital blisters can be very painful.

A person with herpes is contagious not only when the virus is awake and blisters pop out, but also just before symptoms occur. During that time, the herpes virus is very easily passed to someone else through skin-to-skin contact. Remember, a person can be contagious without showing symptoms.

If the herpes virus is awake when a woman is ready to give birth to her baby, she must have a cesarean section to protect the baby from getting the disease.

Note: If you are experiencing any discomfort or unusual symptoms in your pelvic or vaginal area, it is important to visit a doctor. Some STIs can be cured with antibiotics. Those that can’t be cured can at least be treated. It is dangerous to ignore the symptoms.

For more information, visit the Medical Institute for Sexual Health Web site.

Jenna lay awake on her bed. It was 3:00 a.m., but she hadn’t bothered with changing into pajamas. Nothing about her life was the same, and skipping her bedtime routine fit her mood.

Earlier Justin had picked her up for the youth group sports night. They’d played volleyball and eaten pizza with friends. Then Justin suggested they drive around in his truck.

It wasn’t long until they were snuggled up in the back, looking at the stars. Jenna remembers how things progressed quickly, and before the evening was over, she’d lost her virginity.

Now she’d experienced what her friends at school always talked about. Jenna was no longer the virgin of the group. Guilt overwhelmed her; she’d planned to wait until marriage to have sex.

A Plan for Purity
Jenna isn’t alone. Many Christian girls lose their virginity as teens. Unless you set your standards high and stick to the boundaries you’ve set, it will be easy to move closer to having sex each time you’re with your boyfriend.

God created sex as a way to express love — with your spouse. He planned it to be something special for a husband and wife. Ephesians 5 talks about the relationship shared by spouses. God instructs the husband to love his wife in the same way Christ loved us and gave His life for us. Wow! That’s an unselfish and sacrificial love! As the Bible explains, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).

God’s plan for sex is binding two people together and making them one in heart and body. This bond is powerful and meant only for the one to whom you pledge the rest of your life.

Restored
If you’ve already shared that special part of yourself with someone else, God will forgive you and give you another chance. Confess the sin of premarital sex and pledge to remain pure from this point until marriage. You might have to break off a special relationship or seek new friends to hold you accountable. These steps may be easier said than done, but God has a deep healing power that can mend your broken heart and give you the strength to resist temptation. He desires for you to come to Him just as you are and rely on His strength to overcome. Your purity is worth more than any relationship you might sacrifice it for.

Drawing the Purity Line
• Commit to purity. Even when you experience strong urges, say no to temptation!

• Plug into God. Read your Bible, pray, attend church and your youth group. Surround yourself with mature Christians who can guide you spiritually.

•End the relationship. If your boyfriend won’t honor your decision, then it is time to break up.

• Join the pure crowd. Hang out with friends who have pledged themselves to purity. Keep clear from friends who talk about and encourage sexual activities.

• Avoid tempting situations. Instead of watching a movie with your date, go bowling, skating or attend a sporting event. Also, don’t hang out together in a bedroom or sit in a car and talk once a date is over.

• Set high standards. Find ways to show affection other than physical ways.

• Call a friend. Find a trusted adult or close friend to call when you’re tempted. Make sure it is someone who will give you positive encouragement and advice.

Waiting For True Love
Make a commitment now to yourself, your friends, family and even youth group to wait until marriage to save all of yourself: emotionally, physically and even spiritually for your future husband. Purity is a lifestyle commitment, not just avoiding sex.

To commemorate this special moment, talk to your parents about purchasing a purity ring, pendant or bracelet. Check out these True Love Waits items and more at www.factory79.com.

• Daisy Ring: $29.95; item #1323 (sterling silver; 4.5mm; whole sizes 4-9)

• Heart Ring: $29.95; item #1327 sterling silver; 4.5mm; whole sizes 5-9)

• Key Pendant: $29.95; item #3305 (sterling silver; pendant measures 1.75 inches long and comes with leather cord)

• Small Floating Heart: $24.95; item #2330 (sterling silver; pendant measures 3/4 -inch across and leather cord included)

• Heart Charm Bracelet: $39.95; item #6103 (sterling silver; 7 inches long with toggle closure)